Rain Stops Play

So, after a weekend of snow, and a weekend of having my back in spasm I hadn’t been able to get in to the garden to get the work done I wanted over that period in time.  I had to resign myself to just looking out of the window.

Today is pouring with rain.  It wasn’t pouring when I first went out there to finish the jobs I’d started yesterday, but by the time I was halfway through, it was absolutely tipping it down.

And so, here I am.  Back indoors, sitting on the sofa in the conservatory watching the weather again.

I am not going to be too sad about it though.  I actually achieved the bulk of jobs I wanted to do this weekend.

I’ve got the posts in the ground on one side of the garden and am yet to finish the other side.   That’s the part that isn’t going to get done as long as it continues to rain like this.

Behind these posts I needed to lift up the turf and create two flower beds.  This area will be out of bounds to the whippet who has a love of pulling the heads of anything that flowers.  In our last garden he had a fondness of for the beautiful Camelia.  He doesn’t eat the flowers, he just pulls them off.

So, this time I’m creating an area where chosen perennials can grow safely without the fear of being pulled apart, so we might actually get to see some flowers make

Yesterday I managed to get one side done, and this morning as determined as I could be in this weather, I plodded on to get the other side done.


The posts will have to wait.

Meanwhile, inside the house the round of seeds are all doing fairly well.  I’ve got three trays in the fridge, these are the wood anenome, polygonartum and Verbena bonariensis.  The remaining seeds are happily sitting on the kitchen windowsill and, with only one exception are showing fairly healthy signs of life.

I potted on the Dahlia last week, this is a mixed colour pack of seeds.  I’ve never tried growing Dahlia from seed before so thought I’d give it a go.  Infact, other than the Sunflower seeds I’m yet to sow, I’ve never grown any of these plants from seed before.  Now I’ve said that, I’m quite happy with the growth rate so far.  I’d say this is about 60% of the seeds sown that have come through.  Although, there’s no signs of seedlings in any of the trays in the fridge yet, but I know that these ones can take several weeks if not months in some cases to do anything.


So we have the Dahlia variabilis ‘Pompone Double Mix’ in the pots, and then we have Helenium autumnale ‘Helena’, Monarda fistulosa ‘Bergamot’, Agastache rugosa alba, ‘Liquorice White’, Helichrysum bracteatum ‘Golden Yellow’, Thalictrum aquilegifolium ‘Purpureum’ and Veronica longifolia ‘Pink Shades’


My aim this year to spend as little as possible on the perennials for the garden so I can focus on the architecural plants that I’ll need to keep the garden interesting all year round.  I’m hoping I’ll grow enough to not only fill the garden, but also a number of pots and planters.  I shall continue to sow seeds once i’ve potted these ones on to bigger pots.  And may yet buy a few more different plants to add the mix now that I’ve got a clearer picture of what I’m after.

I’m excited that I’ve got a number of ornamental grasses arriving in the week, so will update on those next time.  I’m not expecting them to look much now, but am hoping they will nicely fill these two new beds along with the plants that come from the seeds I’m growing.

I’m Back and Time To Start Afresh

So, the last time I updated my blog was almost 6 months ago and we were in the middle of trying to sell our house.  This meant having to pack away everything, which included not only all of my art materials and photography equipment but all of my RHS coursework too.

The sale took a lot longer than we had hoped, however it did eventually happen and we moved on the last day of November.  With Christmas looming we decided to concentrate on getting the house in a state we could happily live in and focus on the celebrations rather than the unpacking.  Even as I type this there are around 100 boxes sitting in storage waiting to be emptied.  In these boxes, somewhere, are my coursework and my art materials and the majority of my photo equipment.  This means I haven’t progressed on my work at all so far.

That said.  I have a brand new garden.  A completely blank canvas to play with.

The previous owner was a keen gardner of vegetables, this means we have a couple of empty beds in the garden which have been beautifully looked after, and the soil is in really good condition.  The only plants anywhere in the garden are three bush fuschias in another bed.  The rest is completely empty.

The nice thing is the garden is Southwest facing so it gets the sun throughout the afternoon and evening, and with the two outbuildings there are some nice shady areas to work with as well.

So, here are my thoughts so far.

I want this garden to have a few different areas of interest, each with it’s own feel.  I’ve already changed my mind a couple of times, but having now watched the winter sun move around the garden and spend some time getting a feel I’ve made what I think are some key decisions to move me forward.

Area 1:  The Patio.

This is a big area, great for our summer BBQ’s, but a bit boring.

I’m thinking a central planter with seating, and I have a lovely Silk Tree Mimosa which could work.  I would also like to build some raised beds to go against the wall as I’ve always wanted an outdoor succulent garden and as this will get the bulk of the afternoon sunshine it might be an ideal place.  All the walls need a lick of paint too to tidy them up, we just need to decide on a colour.

back garden 4Area 2:  The Old Vegetable Patch

My initial thoughts for this area when we viewed was to have a shrub and perennial garden, however having seen that it spends most of the time in the shade have now decided this won’t work.  So here’s the plan.  A small woodland area.

The old Silver Birch that has been previously cut down is used now to home birdfeeders, and it seems a bit of a waste not to make the most of this beautiful birch stump by making it feel a little more at home.

So planting for this area I’m thinking along of the lines of :  Cornus, Ilex, Hydrangea, Acer and Acanthus with a Twisted Hazel at the end where the sun hits later in the day.  All of this will be underplanted with some lovely bulbs and perennials such as Nemophila menziesii var. discoidalis ‘Pennie Black’, Wood Sorrel, Primula vialii ‘Orchid Primrose’, Dicentra spectablis ‘Bleeding Heart’, Hellebores etc.  All the plants I adore.  The main bed is quite deep, the borders around the small lawn are narrow so will need to figure out what goes in these, especially infront of the wall.

back garden 1

Area 3:  The Old Runner Bean Patch

This is infront of the first outbuilding which will be my art studio (I haven’t confirmed this with the husband yet, but it’s definitely a plan).  This bed is currently home to the bush fuschia, which I have to be honest I’m not a fan of, but I’ll leave them for now.  There are also some small perennials coming through, though I’ve not been able to identify them yet from their leaves.  This bed will get shade most of the day and then sun mid afternoon in to late evening. I’m not sure about this bed yet, but I have some Pittosporum ‘Tom Thumb’ and some Erysimum “Bowles’s Mauve’ which I’d quite like to make a feature of.

back garden 2

There is also a narrow bed running around the edge of the low brick wall on the left of this photo.  That will need something.  I don’t yest know what the little tree is in the middle of the lawn either.  I’m hoping Spring/Summer will bring some clues.

Area 4:  The lawn.

The back of the garden is home to the shed behind which there is a yew hedge.  Behind this hedge are our neighbours chickens.  We have a Whippet.  Whippets and Chickens don’t really mix well.   So we are fencing off the end of the garden.

The lawn itself will be shaped in to two or three circles, one to help make it look longer, but also to allow a couple of smaller beds to be created to add some interest.  Behind the new fence, which is being created out of round wooden stakes will be my main area of relaxation.  The garden I want, but couldn’t have before as the whippet pulls the heads of most flowers before they come in to bud, and has little to no respect for ornamental grasses which end up flattened.

So, this area will be made up of Miscanthus, Stipia (Mexican Feather Grass) and planted with Verbena Bonariensis, Aster, Dahlia, Crocosmia, Helichrysum bracteatum ‘Golden Yellow’, Thalictrum aquilegifolium ‘Purpureum’, Helenium autumnale ‘Helena’, Veronica longifolia ‘Pink Shades’, Polygonatum multiflorum ‘Solomon’s Seal’ and the like.  It should be rich in colour, full of movement, layers and textures.  I’m hoping it will somehow mask the shed too a little to make that less of a feature.  It’s the area I’m probably the most excited about.  There will be watering holes for wildlife, a place to sit and more importantly, the stones that my mother bought for father before she died so he would have something to remember her by will be placed in there as a place where I can remember them both.  An area I hope they would have loved as much as I will.

All of this is, ofcourse, dependant on my success of growing most of those plants from seed!  Which is my next venture.

back garden 3

It is such a beautiful garden and I want to do it proud.  I’ve still got lots of learning to do and hope to grow my skills as a gardener whilst creating a place of tranquility for us, a place for wildlife and place for friends and family to come and join us.

So, it’s been a while!

It really has been a while.

The past year has been a bit of an up-hill struggle.  For personal reasons I won’t go in to, it’s not always been possible to get on top of everything and due to my husbands work relocating we are now in the process of trying to sell our house which has taken up a lot of time and effort over the past couple of months.

We haven’t yet sold, but have in the past week suddenly got a few interested parties, so with any luck one them will come off soon and then we’ll be able to proceed with offering on the house we want (assuming it’s still there when we do get the chance).

Anyway, as part of my process this year I decided two things – one was that I was going to teach myself to draw and paint – something which is well under way.  The other was that I would enrol in a gardening course, more specifically garden design.  I want to be able to spend more time outside, and more time not only on my garden but helping others with theirs.  This is a bit of a retirement plan, there will come a day I’m sure where my job isn’t secure, or my commute becomes too much or anything, who knows?  But when that day comes I want to be ready and I want to have a bit of a plan in place.  I don’t want to go in to another desk job.  I love what I do now, but I’m old enough to know that that might not always be the case.

With this in mind that’s what I’ve just done.  Well, by “just” I mean a week ago, it’s that I’ve just started reading the materials today for the first time.

I’ve enrolled in the RHS Level 2 Garden Planning, Maintenence & Design certificate course.  I have enjoyed learning about the garden myself over the past few years that it felt right to now pursue some proper knowledge about techniques and the enhance and add, and correct, what I’ve taught myself by just picking up.

The sad part of this is that I’m going to lose the garden that was going to be my project and that I’ve been working on for just over 2 years now, the exciting part is that I will get a brand new garden to play with when we do finally move.

My plan is to use my blog to help me cement what I’m learning, share anything of interest and generally update people with what I’m doing and how I’m doing.  You never know, it might help someone at some point.

One of my challenges is learn my basic plant list.  Basic in this case means knowing the latin names of 105 plants – this is a mix of shrubs, trees, perennials, annuals, grasses etc along with their sizes, common names, planting locations and decorative values.

Whilst that is in module 6 (of 8) in this first part of the course, (4 parts in total), i thought best to try and get on top of it from the start whilst working through the rest.

My first module, outcome as they call it, is around how to carry out a survey using triangulation.  Having mocked trigonometry at school and how would knowing about triangles ever be useful in life, I am now seeing how Karma works – looks like it’s happy to hold out for over 20 years before coming to bite you in the arse!

I have so far spent my morning drawing triangles and measuring various points in the garden to create more triangles.

So, this is my starting place.  I shall continue to update and add some notes, one to help me remember, and two, to maybe pass on some useful tips.  I guess there’s also a 3rd which could be to give people a chance to mock my stupidity from time to time.

Now, head down and off we go for another attempt at learning how to survey a site…


Things looking up?

Well, it’s been a disappointing start to the year what with the wind and the rain and then the bloody snow that covered everything.

Over the past couple of weeks though, in between the weekend rain I’ve been sneaking out and getting some bits and pieces done.  A bit of pruning here and there, some tidying and clearing, a bit of weeding, and most importantly right now – puppy proofing the garden from a small whippet with a penchant for flowers.  Seriously, he has so far ripped up an entire pot of crocus flowers, some hellebores, and just the other day I caught him trying to climb the Camelia and pull the flower heads of that too (climbing as he’d already pulled off the one’s that were low down.), alongside that I’ve had to cover a fair amount of open space with chicken wire to stop him getting to certain areas altogether.

20180316_171110.jpgAlongside what remains of the red flowers of hellebores, we still have the untouched green flowers on the other one currently flowering.  I’m guessing he just hasn’t noticed them yet.

So, with all that done I had plans for this weekend.

Pleased to see some colour appearing in parts of the garden again it has encouraged me to start planning this years garden.  And this was going to the be the weekend it was all going to start.  I’ve even been out and purchased a few plants in readiness.

Beautiful white crocus alongside the red dogwood and tucked behind the primroses are looking lovely in the woodland area.  The hyacinths, bluebells, snowdrops and miscanthus are all shooting too and I hope we get some colour from them this season up there.

And now?  Now they’re forecasting more snow over the weekend.  Seriously?  I don’t want more snow, I want to be out in the garden doing some work.

Fingers crossed they get it wrong and it doesn’t hit us.

Right, so back to the plans.

At the end of last season and with all of the perennials gone from view it became clear that one of our beds, the main bed in the first part of the garden, was missing any kind of structure to hold interest through the winter months.  Also, this was the most open space where the new pup could get through, and now it the chicken wire it looks, well, unnatractive.

This means a different tact on this bed.  Whilst it was beautiful when in flower, I want it hve interest all year round so when you look out the windows in the miserable weather, it still has something to bring a smile to the face.  And also something to fill the gaps and hide the chicken wire.

20180316_171212The plan then is to turn this in to a mixed bed of shrubs and perennials.  I have a shrub I love that is evergreen and am using this to tie in to the rest of the garden by having another variety of it.  Brachyglottis Silver Dormouse will be added.  This is a lovely little everygreen plant which will give me a lovely contrasting leave to all of the green going on.  This will be planted alongside some Hebe Pascals, which will bring a hint of red.  There’s a couple of Viburnum’s to go in which in time will be used to give some height at the back and help hind the fencing.  Then some of the other shrubs I’ve got I’ll move around when the time is right to help build it all up a bit more, things like Tandaris Gold which I’ve always loved, and the Spiraea Japonica, Goldflame, another beaut of a shrub to have.

There’s also a Mock Orange in there, something I’ve always wanted ever since my dad had one, this however is going right by the veranda so we get the benefit of that lovely sweet smell when it’ flowers

I’m genuinely quite excited to build this bed up now in to something a bit more substantial, full of evergreens that will flower throughout the year as well as plant it up with some different perennials.  Maybe I’ll even venture in to bedding plants this year?

Now, fingers crossed the snow doesn’t happen and I get out in to the garden and get these things in to the ground!

With my first batch of seedlings shooting well I’m hoping we’ll have another good display this year with plenty of variety and colour across the whole garden.

Here’s to 2018 being a succesful year for all us keen gardeners!  Cheers everyone.


Well, that didn’t go to plan…

Well, there was a plan in place for this weekend.  It was going to be my first weekend out in the garden.  Bit it went awry.

I did get out in the garden today, and I did manage to plant 15 wild roses at the back of the woodland garden which I’m hoping will grow up against our back fence and act as both wind-break and as a deterrent for anyone who thinks climbing the fence might be fun, plus they should provide a nice place for wildlife when they come in to flower.

I didn’t however manage to start my first seed trays of the year, and there was a very simple reason for this.

We have a new member of the household and he proved, well, rather distracting to say the least.

20180210_150500Meet Twiglet, our cheeky little whippet pup who came to stay with us yesterday.

We hadn’t really planned to get another puppy just yet, but we agreed to look and then within two days he became available and when we met him it was a no-brainer.

He’s such a little cutie and seems to have a wonderful temperament and lovely character.

He’s still settling in, but he’s a lot braver today compared to yesterday and is investigating, stealing, terrorising the cat and our chocolate lab.  He’s fitting right in.

Looking forward to more adventures with the little fella now, it’s fair to say I’m completely smitten with him.


New Year, New Plans

So I decided to take some time away from my laptop over Christmas and concentrate on my immediate world – from my husband, my son, our house to those around me and just enjoy Christmas.

It was also a time to refocus a bit on myself and my life and what direction I want to go.

So, I need to think about how I challenge myself in 2018 and going forward, how I get the most out of blogging and sharing the things I love with others.  Determined to get more from the things I’m passionate about such as cooking, gardening, photography and how I add to that by learning a new skill this year.

With that in mind I’m hoping to share more this year around my gardening antics, push myself to spend more time with my camera, more time in the kitchen cooking fresh, proper food, and then on top of this I’m learning to draw and paint.  This is something I’ve always wanted to do but never since leaving school never pursued.  So I am pushing myself to follow the daily painting movement and spend up to an hour every day this year sketching or painting.  We’re currently 21 days in to the new year and I have so far produced 20 images which I’m sharing on Instagram in the hope of getting tips and advice, as well as using this to show my journey from rank novice to hopefully a fully fledged artist at some point.  At the very least I’m hoping by documenting my journey I will see some improvement and eventually find a style that feels comfortable for me.

For now though, lets start with the Garden and where we’re at right now and what’s in store for 2018.

The garden was snow covered for a few days here and there in December so I did have to spend some time going round and shaking the snow off of the plants it was beginning to weigh down.   Once all thawed out it was clear to see that there was little damage done, just the rosemary bush had snapped under the weight, but as it’s an old but healthy plant, it’s not done too much to it.

Everything else in the garden has held up well. The plants I was most worried about losing in the cold are looking nice and healthy and have so far survived the frosts and cold.


We’ve had two big storms hit us with winds up to about 80mph within the last couple of weeks.  Again, the plants held up well but the structures that came under attack.  One trellis and support post ripped apart, one wind-break now at a slightly steeper angle than it was before, and a bit of emergency repair work and extra bracing needed to the sagging shed roof.  We also noticed a big gap in one of the fence panels yesterday.  Nothing that some new nails and a hammer won’t fix however.  The top of the garden got blown around a bit and is looking very sorry for itself so that will all need cutting back and tidying up.  It’s all still standing, but it’s all in need of some fixing up and being made secure.


So as the days beging to get longer I find myself beginning to think about the gardening year ahead again and what we might do this year.

As I walked around the garden yesterday in the sunshine it was lovely to see so many plants budding, the acers, the weeping birch, the hazels and the willows all with new buds ready to come to life, the magnolias we planted last year are covered in buds and from the ground the shoots from the muscari, tete a tete’s, snow drops and bluebells in the woodland garden and then the alium bed full of green shoots where we planted the 100+ bulbs at the back end of 2017 and as an added bonus the tulips from last year are shooting again.

Seeing the garden come back to life fills me with happiness.  There are even flowers on one of the Hellebores.


So, what are the plans this year?

Well, three of the main plans for garden are:

  1. Get rid of the paving slab pathway in the first garden and replace it with a lined slate-chippings path to meet the one in the second part of the garden.  I’ve started putting the mini border in that will edge this.
  2. Purchase and assemble a poly-tunnel.  I have been debating for a while removing the shed and digging out the whole area and putting in one huge polytunnel, however as our garden tends to be a bit of a wind tunnel I’m not not sure this is the wisest move to make.  So I’m now debating keeping the shed where it is and putting a smaller poly tunnel alongside it.  This is in the hope that they will help shelter each other a little bit.  I’m going to plant some tall, solid, shrubs in front of them to act as a bit of a wind break in the hope this might also offer some protection.  I also don’t need a massive polytunnel.
  3. Get rid of the old compost area and build it up to meet the pond, move the rockery down to surround the pond and then turn the old rockery area in more of a wild flower meadow area.  This is because it sits next to the hedgerow at the back of our garden which all of the birds nest in, so it makes sense to me to turn that whole area in to one which is more bird and wildlife friendly than the rockery is.


I’m also planning on planting some bare-root hedgerow plants at the top of the garden, for three reasons: to act as a windbreak for the fence panels, to attract more wildlife to the woodland area and to act as a deterrent for anyone trying to climb over the back fence.  Not that they do, but it would be easy to do so if anyone wanted.

I’m happy with all of my shrubs and plants that are currently in the garden, so the next decision for me is deciding what seeds to plant so that I can fill the rest of the garden with colourful annuals.  I’ll have my sunflower and wildflower bed again this year as that bought me so much joy last year, but I want to make sure I’ve got a good selection of other favourites in the garden too.

So there you have it, the gardening plan for 2018.  It’s not the biggest year but I think we’ve got most of the really heavy work out of the way in the past couple of years, I’m looking forward to the challenges and really making the most of the garden now.  Here’s to a year of colour, beauty and wildlife – what more can anyone want?

If you want to follow my learning to draw & paint escapades you can find me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themanwhocouldntdraw/



The Winter Garden

It’s been a while since I blogged last – this year has bought a few things along that have meant my focus has had to be elsewhere for a while, but that’s potentially for another blog, for now though back to the garden which has been a little neglected lately.

After the snow last weekend today was the first time I’ve been at home in day light to be able to see what was going on and if any damage was caused to anything.

I’m pleased to say that very little damage occured, just one plant suffered due to the weight of the snow that fell.  Our rosemary bush has lost one of it’s main branches, snapped off at the trunk.  A real shame as this branch really gave it some shape, but hoppefully the rest of the plant will be ok.

Otherwise the rest of the garden is looking exactly as one would expect at this time of year.


The perennials have all died right back, and the annuals have all gone.  It looks incredibly bare, but that’s to be expected.

The planned woodland area is in good shape, the Grape Hiacinth (Muscari) are sprouting, but nothing yet from the bluebell and snowdrop bulbs, although I suspect we’re still a little early for those.  The plum tree and the weeping birch, although bare of leaves, have plenty of buds on them.  There’s even some catkins on the hazels which is the first time they’ve ever appeared.  And through the remains of the snow there’s still some colour coming from the primulas and cyclamens.

Our Gunnera has, well, dissolved is probably the best description.  It didn’t really get going at this year, the actual rhubarb in the garden was three times of the size of this giant rhubarb.  A real shame, but hopefully it’ll come back next year and show us what it can really be.

There’s definitely still some tidying to do around the pond as I didn’t get to tidy that up before winter hit.  It’s still very green, but it’s all wilting, especially the enormous Calla Lily that grew to a spectacular size but without flower.


There’s something a little sad about this time of year, however seeing all the buds on the plants just gives you that little bit of hope that things will come back bigger and better next season.  Seeing the shoots of the 100 Aliums in the Alium bed breaking through is a promise of colour I can’t wait to see.

Elswhere, the beds are in a good place.  I managed to get them tidied and weeded, everything trimmed back, pulled out where necessary and prepared for replanting in the new year.

There’s still some colour in the roses which is surprising,  in the snow last week one red rose shone through in the whiteness, and the two miniature pinks are still going.  The yellow stopped a month or so ago, but the pinks are still budding and flowering, here’s hoping for Christmas flowers.

So along with the little splashes of colour, the new shoots from the bulbs and buds on the trees there is plenty of new growth going on every where.  Out lovely little Hebe’s have shot up and are glowing purple at the moment, and the conifers have visible growth.

As this year comes to an end, the promise of what is to come next year fills me with actual excitement.  I’ve still got lots to learn and this is really my first year of gardening through winter, but I’m genuinely pleased with the progress over the past year and am looking forward to next year – new plants, new knowledge and new adventures.

So here’s to 2018 and lots of new gardening fun to be had.

Have a lovely Christmas everyone.

Paul x

Gardening: Preparing for Winter

I guess one of the downsides of gardening is the amount of maintenence you need to do to keep it looking nice.  If I just had one simple flower bed, this would all be done by now.  But I don’t.  I created several large beds and with that comes having to maintain them constantly.

And now it’s the time of year when all of the preparation needs to be put in place ready for winter and so that the beds can look their best again when Spring comes around.


There’s still a few splashes of colour around the garden.  Our Standard Fuschia’s are still flowering and covered in buds, as are our miniature roses.  The Verbena is still showing colour, and the Wallflowers are looking good still too.  I have to shout out to the ornamental grasses too, some of these are looking stunning at the moment.

The rest however, is either dead or dying.  Their colour has gone, the leaves are browning and, like me, they’ve seen better days.

There’s some work to be done here.  A lot of weeding to happen.  It’s amazing how quick these little buggers grow, unseen for ages, before you know it there’s a 4ft weed suddenly appeared in the middle of the bed.  The ivy, bindweed and several other plants that seem to spread and self-root.  Plus the Euphorbia is attempting to make a come back and as for the Buddleia, I’ve just discovered another two plants about 2ft high hidden amongst the plants, so this must have self-seeded at some point too.

20171026_124524The lawn also needs to be re-edged.  That will be a maul, but it will also be worth it.  The one piece of advise given to me by garden loving aunt – if the lawn is nicely edged it will always look neat.  And she was right, even if the grass is a little long the whole thing keeps it’s shape when you can clearly see the edges.  Which currently, you can’t in some places!    Also, there’s an area around the Magnolia where the grass is coming back, so all of that needs to be removed.

And once all of this is done and the beds are as weed-free as possible…It’ll be time to mulch it all.

Just weeding this first 3 metres of the long bed took me 2hrs.  I know it will be worth it in the long run though. There are still 7 metres to go though.


If I want this area to look it’s best next year, then it’s important that work gets done now so that it’s in good condition for the Spring flowers and planting.  Once it’s mulched with compost, it will also look so much better.

I’m trying to decide what to leave standing for the winter, just so I don’t lose all structure in the garden and have some interest.  Also I want to make sure that the birds and insects have a place to go so it’s important I don’t strip everything back.

Our neighbours are determined to finish their outbuildings this month too so that they’re waterproof before winter kicks in.  And they’ve worked really hard the past couple of weekends so it now has the boards on the roof and they’ve slatted one part on our side.  We’ve also agreed with them that we’ll paint our side as we wanted it a specific colour, which they’ve agreecd to, so that’s something else we need to get done.  It’s looking good though.  Shame as it means we’ll see less of them in the garden and we get on well, but we’ll all be pleased it’s done.  Plus, it’s not like we won’t see them at all and I’m sure both sides will enjoy the privacy.

November is going to be a lot of hard work!  Time to dig out those Wellies again I think.

The Great Pretender…

Forgive me this post, but I’ve had a bit of a week and a few days of intense soul-searching.  For so long I’ve battled something in my brain that I haven’t been able to really figure out.

I’ve always, always just said to people “It’s BDD”.  And yes, I do suffer with BDD.  But that’s not the root cause.  It’s one of the side effects.  I’ve never really gotten to the root cause.

Now, I know I could talk to any psychologist or “hobby” psychologist as I like to call certain people in my life, and they’ll tell me that it probably all stems back to my childhood and that I was surrounded by women who were on a different diet every month and made comments about their bodies, each others bodies and my body.  I know that.  Many of those people have told me so.  But I feel that dredging that all up probably won’t do me any favours and will achieve very little other than find somewhere to lay the blame.  And one thing I’ve learnt in my life is that blame is not helpful or healthy.  It has a tendency to become an excuse for something else.  “I do this because of this…because they made me do it because of what they said to me”

That’s all very well, but the blame isn’t really important, what’s important is understanding  why you react how you do and what you do to change that behaviour.

I’m the first to admit that I have insecureties, I’m pretty damn sure that most of us do if we’re absolutely honest.  Until the recently I hadn’t realised what my insecurities actually are – my weight and body are an obvious place to stop.   I didn’t know until the other day that there was a “syndrome” that my thoughts and behaviours possibly come from.   I admit that, having read all the evidence, this is a self-diagnosis.  But the evidence is strong.  I’m a massive cynic when it comes to reading most things as I always feel that it’s easy to find bits that are relevant to oneself and suddenly you have something to place your faith in.  I’ve never read anything before where every sentence, across several sources, repeats back to me the words that constantly go through my own mind.

I still have these thoughts and they’ve getting worse, more magnified,  over the past few months.  Until a few days ago I was beginning to feel swamped and lost in a world that I felt I didn’t really belong.

The conversation that brought this all about is neither here nor there, but it resulted in me essentially blurting out the truth about what I was feeling, and that only happened because I was under pressure.  The person admitted it could have gone horribly wrong, but they wanted to try a new tactic with me, which was to relentlessly push me in order to get me to say what it is.  Yes, it could have gone horribly wrong and I might have clammed up even more and become even more defensive.  But I didn’t.  They did the right thing.

So here it is.

And it might sound ridiculous, as often these things do when you say them out loud.  But trust me, it’s a scary thing to face.  And it does actually sound ridiculous when I say it out, I feel like a fraud saying it.

Over the years I have had many jobs and careers, jobs and careers I have loved.  From trainier, actor, photographer, marketing, chef and one could say I had some success in each of them.  Apart from me.  I fail to see my success in any of them.

I am surrounded by amazing family, friends and have a beautiful husband I adore, and yet I feel like I don’t deserve to have any of them in my life.

I have spent a lot of my life saying things like “I’m scared some day they’re going to realise I’m not a very nice person”  or “Some day they’re going to realise I’m no good at what I do”.  There will be a day someone finds out that I’m not the expert, or the kind soul they think I am, and that one day my life will fall apart around me, all because someone found out the truth about me, the truth that only I know.  That I’m just not good enough.

Imposter Syndrome 2

Success to some is what they strive for, for me I strive to just to do what I do, success belongs to others, and if it does come my way it’s not because I’ve earnt it it’s because of luck, or lack of judgement, or because there wasn’t any other choice.

Now, all this might seem like I’m a right miserable ass, but I’m not.  I don’t spend my whole time putting myself down, not consciously at least. Most of the time I happily get on with what it is I’m doing.   But when something good happens, it isn’t because of anything I did and therefore I dismiss it after the initial “well done” type of conversation.  When I’m put in the spotlight of recognition I go in to a blind internal panic.  All eyes are now scrutinising me and one of them will see it, one of them will see that this was a one off – it was a fluke that I managed to pull something together that warranted this temporary praise.

I’ve always strived for perfection.  I’ve learnt that’s a dangerous thing.  My line manager often tells me off for using the word “perfect” when it comes to my work.  They tell me they don’t want perfect.  So I’ve been working on that part.  It’s not been easy.  I have to fight the thoughts that what I’m producing just isn’t up to standard.  A standard set by me.  The problem with this is, that if I produce something that isn’t up to their standard, my inner thoughts turned to “They’ve caught you out”.  And so the spiral begins again and the panic and worry sets in.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when this all started.  I don’t remember it as a teenager, and even though when my anorexia was at it’s worst in my late teens and early twenties I don’t remember having these thoughts.  But if I really think that through, the reason I stopped feeding myself is because my body wasn’t up to scratch compared to others.  I was the flabby one, the blob, not the perfect physique.

It’s important to say that I don’t think I’m bad at everything I do, I just think that there’s someone who can do it better than me, who is more deserving than me, who should be getting the credit instead of me.

What I hadn’t realised it quite what effect this has had on me, and now, many years later, the deep-seated damage it has done to how I view myself and my place in this world.  When you start doubting that you don’t deserve the people around you, your family, friends and husband.  When you think they deserve better than you.  These little nagging doubts creep in from time to time and before you know it they’ve spiralled in to what I can only describe as a paranoia.

So why didn’t I say anything sooner?  Well – imagine if your worst fear is actually true.

Imposter Syndrome 1

I’m on the beginning of my journey right now.  A journey to learn more about it and more importantly, how to deal with it.   Having someone tell you you’re good at your job, or that you’re a kind-hearted guy, or they think you’re intelligent – it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t believe it.

So, my first question?  How do I start believing?  What do I need to do to start making a change?  I want to change.  I want to stop.  Nobody wants to live with these thoughts.  I can look back now and see the damage these thoughts have done – how many people have I pushed away from me because I thought it would be better for them if I weren’t in their lives any more?  Too many.

I’m glad there’s a name for this.  I’m glad I discovered Imposter Syndrome – although even saying it out loud makes me feel like a fraud. Maybe I am, maybe I don’t have it.  As I said earlier this is a self-diagnosis based on reading several sources – I can’t find anything as yet to make me think it’s wrong.  I don’t however know if I believe it or not yet.  But it’s a start, and it feels like it might help.  So, here we go.  Time to take my life back.  Time be a more open person.  Time to start liking myself.  Maybe one day it’ll be love, but I’ll make do with like for now.

Even writing this down has helped a little.  Makes me believe I will do something.

And even if it’s not Imposter Syndrome, even if this is something my brain has latched on to, just giving it a name has helped as it’s given me something I feel I can beat.  It’s no longer the unamed demon lurking in the background, it has a name and a form and it can now be beaten.

Every journey starts somewhere.  This particular journey for me starts here.

I’ve lost a lot of my life to these thoughts.  No more.

Plant of the Week

Callicarpa Giraldii “Profusion”

So, bringing you this weeks star and actually a new purchase.

I had seen this shrub before and forgot to look it up at the time and so forgot all about it, but I loved the purple colour of the berries and thought they would add good colour to the garden as winter approaches.

Then up it popped in this months Gardeners World Magazine so I found out what it was called, and then the following day when I went out shopping there it was.  I took it as a sign that I should buy one and so there it is, in the sunnier part of the woodland garden where it will sit alongside the Dogwood and the Holly to help add a dash of colour to the area.

Callicarpa giraldii Profusion

I’m regretting slightly having not purchased one last year as I might have a bigger plant by now, potentially I could have been more patient and found a bigger plant somewhere else, but then I wouldn’t have been able to call it fate, that would have to be classed as shopping!


Anway, I have one now and I can’t wait for it to grow!  That said, I’ve no idea what the actual growth rate is.  I’ve looked at 5 websites and found three different answers              2 x “Average”, 1 x “Moderate”, 2 x “Fast”, so it could be anything and I’ve not been able to find any specifics – I’m not really sure what any of those mean in terms of cm growth per year?  If anyone does, please let me know 🙂

Final height should be somewhere between 1.8-2m, with a spread of around 1.5m.  It is deciduous and I’ve read has pink flowers in the spring, I’ve only ever seen the berries so looking forward to the spring to see it in flower.  I’m hoping the growth rate is decent enough so that within a couple of years I have a decent height bush in the part of the garden.

With the Pyracantha in the garden in full berry, it’s nice to have some different colour berries elsewhere, and once everything else is depleted these will a bit more food for the birds in the garden.